I don’t really experience nostalgia. There are moments that I am fond of, that put a smile on my face when they pop up in my memory, but I don’t experience any longing for the past. I’ve always been happy to live in the moment, content with letting each day go by with the promise of a new one.
But it’s happened. There are moments now that I miss, because I fell in love.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing in this world that would make me go back to a few months ago where I was an absolute broken mess. But this time last year I was carefree, happy, (drunk, a lot of the time) and slowly falling head over heels. The 1 year anniversaries of the first’s are approaching, and I long for them. I long to have that happiness all again, even though it brought me so much sadness in the end. This time last year I was on cloud nine, with the belief that I had met someone special and that everything was going just as I had always wanted. I was angry at myself the first time I felt this longing, wondering how I could be missing him, how could I feel nostalgic towards the moments that we shared when he broke me?
But after thinking it through and feeling guilty for a few days, I realised that the way I’m feeling isn’t as troubling as I thought. I think what I’m longing for is for this experience again, to be with someone like that again. I don’t miss him, I miss having someone. After being angry at love and for the way it made me feel for the best part of a year, I’m not angry anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’m still angry at him, but him alone and I know now that he’s not all that love can be. I miss the experience, I don’t miss him and there is more to this story.
I’m ready for the next chapter, finally.