Feelings. Some are great, some not so much. Good feelings: happiness, excitement, tranquility etc. Bad feelings: Anger, sadness, etc. But then there are other feelings that I’ve always found it hard to categorise as a good or a bad feeling, and jealousy is probably the most confusing for me. Because even with “bad” feelings such as sadness and anger; they are big and they are dramatic and I’ve always held the attitude of ‘Well, I’m not feeling good but at least I’m feeling something!’.
Jealousy, however, is flat. Jealousy is not quite sadness, not quite anger. When I’m sad or angry, I react with a burst of emotion i.e. I cry or I rant at someone. But with jealousy, it’s ongoing, it eats you up inside, turns you into someone who you aren’t. I feel ridiculous when I’m jealous, I don’t feel as if the way I’m acting is reasonable, I constantly think I am going mad. I always feel at my weakest when I’m jealous. (Here is the point where I would just like to clarify that this relates more serious examples of jealousy i.e. over someone I love loving someone else, or someone succeeding in a career path when I am not, not just oh I wish I had her top).
Recent events over this past month have led me to debate the idea of jealousy and why I hate it so much. I think the core of it is because of the way it feels inside of me. A tight, pulling feeling inside of my chest that is always with me, controlling me. That gets worse and worse as my internal thoughts convince me that the situation is more than it is. That’s what jealousy is really, more of a mindset that shapes the way you see things, than a feeling. The non-jealous mindset would see a round of applause, a touch of the hand, a like of an Instagram (I mean for god’s sake, you see my problem here) as simply what those things are but the jealous mindset amplifies those actions and changes them to relate to the situation that you are worrying about. As long as I can remember, even though I like to let loose and feel free, I’ve always had the knowledge that ultimately I know who I am and I’m grounded in the way I think; but jealousy changes that.
To conclude, what I can’t stand about jealousy is that it makes me see things that aren’t there.
Or even worse, it opens my eyes and I begin to notice what is there, usually hidden, and the problem is that those are the things that I really, really don’t want to see.